hello again

I have begun this post so many times I cannot even count them all.  What does one say to follow up a post on God is good when life falls completely to pieces in an instant just after penning such a declaration?  How does one return to this place to write when the words they left here most recently seem completely foreign?  When the person is wrestling with whether those words are even true.  When the author herself has trouble believing that when cancer relapses God is still good.  I have re-read that post as many times as I have started this one.  Sometimes, over these past 9 months, I have held tightly to the words I wrote from when we seemed victorious.  Other times, I have looked back on those words believing they hold such hypocrisy.

Blank.

Blank seemed like the best way to leave this place.  Maybe figure things out first & then return.  But certainly not accumulate any more words here until I was sure they’d be “pretty”.  Which is exactly why 9 months later nothing has been added here.  I haven’t been able to wrap up my faith into a neat, pretty package.  My faith is no longer the noun that I display proudly as something I have.  It is now faith the verb.  It’s wrestling.  It’s struggling.  It’s silence & yelling & singing & crying. It’s praising & praying & pleading.  It’s running away & crawling back.  It is completely not understanding.  It’s anything but “pretty”.

It is well with my soul.

True.  It is all well with my soul.  But my circumstances bobbing around like a buoy in a storm scream “this is not well”.  And while the edges of my soul are crisp & neat, they do not nicely fit the tattered & fraying edges of my circumstances.  I’ve spent a good portion of my life trying to make sure those two edges fit nicely together…to present my faith package all pretty & neat.  Something that when looked upon would shine through revealing a woman of great faith.  But as the edges of my circumstances have been torn deeper day by day, I cannot make the two fit beautifully together.  They just don’t line up.  I no longer believe they are meant to.  It is one of the great lies of our modern times.   And the gaps left between my soul and my circumstances?  I’m learning that’s where God’s sovereignty lies & where I must trust.

Trust.

This word more than any other has filled my silent moments.  Do I trust Him?  Sometimes yes.  Sometimes no.  That seems so scandalous even to type.  A perfect faith package certainly has no room for distrust.  But it is true.  My life reflects it.  And I find myself in great company.  Examples abound in Scripture of people just like me…who had trouble trusting.  Even those who witnessed the Red Sea part and water flow from a rock and those who actually walked step by step with Jesus.  They all had trust issues.  I am among them.

Don’t be disheartened.  I am certainly not.  I have never sat more closely with my Creator than I have in these recent months.  Gazing on the edge of letting go of all that I attempt to control & slowly releasing my grip to surrender it to the One that knows how to make it all beautiful…it’s the greatest view.  Notice I haven’t completely handed it over.  I’m still working it through.  Maybe for the rest of my breaths.  But finding gorgeousness in the frayed edges filled by sovereignty as He puts my faith package together in His mighty hands has been {and continues to be} spectacular.

And He is good.  Still.  All the time.  Good.


Alex is currently doing really well.  We received word of his relapse on March 7.  He received chemo through a rather new immunotherapy drug followed by one round of intense traditionally chemotherapy in mid-May.  After an additional round of chemo and radiation, he received a bone marrow transplant from a donated umbilical cord blood on July 7.  Today he is 130 days since transplant.  It has been a very long and difficult 4 months!  And while every week we see improvement, we know that the road ahead is still rough and challenging.  But today Alex is cancer free.  We are grateful for that & celebrate!

The details of the transplant can be found at his caring bridge site.

 

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7 thoughts on “hello again

  1. Thank you for again sharing your thoughts with us. Even in the valley he has gifted you with the words to share for all in His name! Blessings!

  2. Your writings are so real. It’s how so many of us feel, but are scared to verbalize it. You have certainly had more than your fair share of trials in this life. The first time I heard this verse was from you. I think of it often as we all struggle to get through this life.
    And if not, He is still good. Daniel 3:18

  3. Thank you for showing raw faith, Kim. Most can’t or won’t, which blesses no one. This way you bless all that read and follow. We think fog you and your brood and your little ginger boy regularly. Miss you all dearly. Blessings.

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