new morning

We sat at clinic yesterday to get post-chemo counts for the sweet ginger boy.  He said he was feeling pretty good & at this point in the process he’s usually spot on.  But the night before he’d been playing with an ever-so-slight fever of 100.1ºF.  I, of course, was a mess.  Fever is one of the few things that they stress over and over and over again as being important to watch.  So I did what any rational cancer mom would do, I set my alarm for every few hours to get up to check on sweet ginger boy.  He was thrilled {sarcasm font}.

His fever never spiked & actually by morning was back to normal.  Clinic revealed that his counts are awesome.  Everything seems to be progressing exactly as it’s supposed to.  What we have been praying for.

and yet…

Anxiety can creep into the strangest moments.  Waiting in the waiting room at the pediatric oncology clinic yesterday was a new patient.  About sweet ginger’s age.  Full head of hair, meaning she was just starting the process.  Her mom stood at the counter, trying to hold back tears while listening to the instructions for filling out all the necessary new patient paperwork.  In a flash I remembered all of it.  The fear.  The unknown.  The anxiety.  The absolute panic about schedules & routines & “normal” life being uprooted for this, this cancer.  And as we waited to go back to the cabana {yes, they call the rooms cabanas} I began to process how all that unknown had now become known &routine.  And I got…MAD.

Mad at cancer.  Mad at all the havoc it wreaks.  Every where it goes it brings chaos, fear, anxiety and tears.  Mad that it attacks children & babies.  Mad that it hits without reason.  Mad that it isn’t always “treatable”.  Mad that just as we’re thankfully finishing, others are just beginning on the cancer road.  Mad at all cancer represents.  Cancer just plain sucks!

But to sit too long in the swamp of my personal pity party is not good for anyone.  True.Story.  So this morning as the sun rises on the horizon, over the line of trees in our back acres, I remember that it’s a new day.  And while cancer is still here this morning, my Strength is too.  


3 thoughts on “new morning

  1. I arise today, through
    God’s strength to pilot me,
    God’s might to uphold me,
    God’s wisdom to guide me,
    God’s eye to look before me,
    God’s ear to hear me,
    God’s word to speak for me,
    God’s hand to guard me,
    God’s shield to protect me,
    God’s host to save me
    From snares of devils,
    From temptation of vices,
    From everyone who shall wish me ill,
    afar and near.
    (excerpt St Patrick’s Breastplate)

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