Ridiculousness • Defined!

Ridiculousness defined.  Someday hysterical.  Today ridiculousness.

Thursday 3pm – The handsome hubs heads to deer camp.  I imagine a relaxed long weekend with breakfast for dinner, RedBox movies, a new book, lots of tea & general laziness.

relaxing weekend

Thursday 9:04pm – Baby girl comes downstairs holding something on her finger.  “Mom, what’s this?  Is it a bug?”  Calmly we brush the little black dot off her finger onto the kitchen counter {yes the kitchen counter where food is prepped – if you start judging at this point it’s going to be a long post!}  Grab my phone, snap a pic and enlarge it.  For. The. Love. Of. Everything. Good.  Head lice.  Shut up!!!

Thursday 9:40 – Off to the drug store to buy poison.  Yes, poison.  At 10 pm killing those little buggers trumps any neurological side effects that poison might cause.  {it’s true.  You know it is}  So we wash and we comb.  And if you know lice combing you also know it’s like licking the bottom of the produce drawers after you’ve left parsley and cilantro in a bit too long.

Thursday…er wait Friday 12:48 am– We call it good.  I decide that I’d combed all the little eggs out & felt fairly good that the poison had killed everything else.  Hello.  Poison.  Isn’t that the definition?  I wasn’t 100% sure, but I wasn’t letting on.  As far as baby girl knew, she was completely lice free.  Nighty night.

Friday  6:15 am – Morning comes early when you’ve been up picking bugs from the head of your child half the night & scratching your own head with complete certainty that it’s crawling with all kind of buggy grossness the rest.  I decide to let baby girl sleep in & go in late {awesome mom, i know}.  “Mom, I don’t feel very good”  {can’t imagine why?}  Home you shall stay, my sweet lice-headed child.  It’ll be fine.  I was just doing laundry all. the. live. long. day anyhow.  Now I have company to watch The Price Is Right with.  {you know you watch it}

Saturday midday – Baby girl clearly has a fever.  I cannot locate a thermometer in this house.  So.  Help.  Me.  Seriously!  Who with 3 children cannot find a thermometer.  I run to the drug store.  And let’s be real here friends, I need a moment of silence & solitude & a drive to the drug store is necessary for my sanity.

103.7ºF.  Shut the coop up!  She has no other symptoms except some vague pointing at her right ear & the right side of her throat.  I conclude strep.  We’ll head to Urgent Care in the morning.

Sunday 10am – Let’s get this circus to Urgent Care.  HOWEVER, as I’m rubbing her head, brushing the hair back off her face I see it…them.  And they’re moving.  What about the poison I saturated her head in?    Here’s the deal, our upper mid west state has some tough lice.  They’ve adapted quite well & are resistant to poison.  Bless•ed.

Sunday 10:02“hello, Lice Lady?  yes, we need treatment.  yes, we found them.  Tried a poison.  Yes, I understand now that poison doesn’t work.  Yes, they’re strong little bugs.  Resistant.  2:30?  yep.  Everyone in the household?  See you then.”

Sunday 1pm – Grinding & gnashing of teeth {& some excellent eye rolling!} occurs upon the understanding of the exciting family outing awaiting us all in about an hour.  Yay!

Sunday 2pm – in the car, Sweet Ginger, “I WILL NOT cut my hair.  Just so we have that all out on the table to begin with.  NOT CUTTING IT!  You could pay me a grand.  Not cutting it!  And what do I do, Mom. {with dramatic arm flailing!}  Remember my GF straightened my hair yesterday to see what it would look like without the wave.  She’s going to be SO MAD if I have lice & have shared it with her.  This is ridiculous!”  {yes, you had to read that more than once, didn’t you? Sweet Ginger and his girl friend had a little hair salon fun trying to straighten his hair using her brush, comb & straightening iron the day before.   Egads!!   I don’t know…I really have no words to explain teens these days.  {commence parental judgments}  Let’s move on}

Sunday 2:30 – Sure as salt – baby girl needs treatment {lice lingo…she has live bugs on her head}.  Middle and Sweet Ginger…lesser treatment required {less than 10 eggs found no live bugs…well, that’s good news {for the boys & their hair-appliance-sharing-girlfriend.} And Hallelujah! – I’m completely free.

Sunday 7pm – Four & a half hours later.  Four & a half hours!  We leave.  Lice free.  With less money.  Home.  Dinner.  Kiss the Hubs.  Yay!  He’s home.

This is likely where you believe that this story cannot get any worse & surely my intro with all that talk of ridiculousness is really exaggerated.  You may even be beginning to question whether I, as a blogger, can be trusted with such words as “ridiculousness”. Well…let’s continue:

Sunday 8pm – Nighty night, little ones.  Oh, yeah.  Fever.  still at 102.2º.  We’ll take care of that in the morning.

Monday 8am – Middle and Sweet Ginger are happily at school, with all their locks intact & bug free.  A call to inform the nurse of our adventure filled field trip to the Lice Lady & Baby Girl & I are off to beat the rush at Urgent Care.

Monday 9:45am – Strep test negative.  Fever without meds at 101º now.  As per the usual Urgent Care protocol – must be a virus and will work itself out.  Rest & liquids.  At least we know.  Lice-free and no strep.  Life’s looking up.  “See, it isn’t really that bad” I think to myself.

Monday 11:45am“Mom, my eye feels like there’s something in it.  Can you come look?  It’s watering really bad.”  What in the name of all that is green & growing!!??!  There is, I kid you not, yellow ooze covering Baby Girl’s eye.  Yellow ooze.  And her eye is flaming red.  FLAMING!  And swollen.  How in the matter of 2 hours did we go from a normal eye that could be in a ophthalmologist commercial to a flaming, red, oozing eye that could be in a horror flick!?  What kind of awfulness wrapped up as a Thanksgiving week joke is this?

Monday 12:00 – Back to Urgent Care.  As we drive the route to the doctor, I begin to imagine the medical staff assuming I’m one of those crazy moms trying to get some antibiotics for their sweet little girl.  Or maybe I’m one of those moms who tries to get her children sick for attention.  I do look unstable.  I haven’t really slept in three days…have I showered?  They’re certainly putting me away.  Certainly.  Commence heart palpitations.

Monday 12:30pm – Although the wait time sign states 45-60 minutes, the doctor recognizes our name & enters straight away.  I’m certain they’re going to issue some sort of CPS request.  Dread. I begin a spiel about how I’m not one of those moms who just wants antibiotics & I’m not one of those moms who gets her kids sick for attention.  {truth…I said all that.  Unstable much?}  But lucky for me, the doc was already looking at Baby Girl.  “Wow! Look at that eye!  How did I miss that earlier?  It didn’t look that bad when you were here before?  Did it?  Absolutely Pink Eye.  Bacterial.  Yes, sometimes bacterial pink eye will inflame the lymph nodes on the one side & cause some pain or discomfort in that ear & throat.  Also, it can cause a fever on rare occasions.  Here’s a prescription.  She is highly contagious for 24 hours.  Have a happy Thanksgiving!”

Ridiculousness!  Definition.  Who,  please explain to me, who gets head lice & pink eye in the same weekend?  Who?

*Now as a post script, this post has plenty of opportunities for critical judgment.  You may, in fact, be tempted to begin that straight away upon reading.  I understand.  But let’s focus on the tragedy of it all rather than the assumption that the author (me) must be an unclean, unkept women.  And please note that scrubbing your child’s head in lice ridding poison will not work.  Seek out a lice lady near you, if necessary.  And don’t forget that head lice & pink eye are not indicators of how clean you are or are not.  They are equal opportunity ruiners of weekends.  And also remember, as the delightful Jill Savage says, there is no such thing as a perfect mom.  Don’t I know it!


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5 thoughts on “Ridiculousness • Defined!

  1. Hi Kim.
    I saw that Jill Savage shared your post on facebook. She shared a post of mine back in Sept and it went crazy-viral. I got a lot of love over it and quite a bit of hate too. People can be so mean! So in case that happens to you let me be the first to say that I loved this story and I love walking through the journeys of both blogging and motherhood with women who aren’t afraid to be real. You’ll get zero judgement from me. Pretty sure I saw cockroach in my basement this summer. I’m still pretending it didn’t happen. We have not had head lice or pink eye in our house yet (key word, YET). Both in one weekend?! I couldn’t help laughing (I’m sorry!) but only because we’ve had our share of doozies over here too. I’m so glad Jill shared your post. Looking forward to reading more from you!

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